UtterStuff

The Whole Money Cycle Fluxion Thing

2010-03-18T19:42:00.001-07:00

The money fluxion thing. Just follow the money. Watch how the money moves. Study the money. Find out where the money comes from, where its going, who gets the money and if they sit on it or move it. This is the money fluxion thing. The first thing you notice is that you can hardly touch the money, and if you do, it's not for long and it's not much much money. A person may properly ask, what's up with that? It's the money fluxion thing. Money moves like quicksilver which is umbrageous and makes you want to stuff the money in your wallet and sit on the money. But money goes where money moves. It's money when it's moving, but it's just paper when it's sitting still. That's the secret to the money fluxion thing: The less time money gets sat on, the more money there is. Just maybe not yours. But that's the money fluxion thing. You yearn, money burns. That's the money fluxion thing.

The Bolus Cramp

2010-03-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

The cramp has achieved full bolus. Many Americans are stove up, as in a general feeling of stoveupedness, with Bolus cramps. And they suffer a great malaise because these hezmatic clodular aggregations, the so-called "bolus", dratify the frequency rates of muscle perception. Recent data indicates that pervasive dratification is behind what we call jamus placebominius. And we do mean behind. This uberstruation usually occurs when you're travelling at cruising speed and then - bam! - you're not. Then the crush of a thousand couldashouldas per square fucking inch fulcrumizes your axites and dendrons, desynchronizes your brain stem from your netherness, and transmogrifies the medulla oblongata into a tasty gelatin. Of course then the expected happens: your vegas nerve spasms and your sphincter kerfuffles.
The cramp has achieved full bolus.

Dead or Crazy

2010-03-18T19:36:00.001-07:00

People who live in suburbs think the people who live downtown are crazy.
People who live downtown think the people living in the suburbs are dead.
They are both right.
But you have to ask yourself: wouldn't any sane person rather be crazy than dead?
Sure, if you're crazy, you maybe have a few embarrassing problems. At least - embarrassing to live people. People in the suburbs couldn't care less, cuz they're dead. But that's the good thing about being crazy: since you can't help it because you're deranged, you cut yourself a LOT of slack.
However, if you're dead, you can't even eat. or get laid. or misrepresent or insinuate or say wow! or declare bankruptcy and so you just lie there until the maggots pick you clean, even though your hair keeps growing for six weeks, usually.
So obviously, the people who are truly crazy are the suburbanites because they'd rather be dead than crazy. The logic is irrefutable. RIP equals OTP and being alive is insane.

Fifteen Ways to Harsh a Mellow

2009-07-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

1. have a guilty attorney as a pro bono client

2. drop your car keys in the port-o-let

3. live in a country run by a dick in a bush

4. find out your beloved has eaten the entire bag of special cookies you’ve been saving for your birthday breakfast

5. a cookie fart

6. getting roped into moving a piano by a neighbor who can only play Methodist hymns

7. after circling the airport for an hour, the FAA reroutes you to Murfreesboro

8. being caned in singapore for rude comportment flagrantly exhibited before significant brave government leaders

9. all of a sudden, without any advance warning whatsoever, there really is a god

10. you have to write an uplifting national anthem for one of the breakway territories in the Pakistan-Afghanistan border region

11. discover adorable little pluto isn’t a real planet -- after all that

12. lose your water payment receipt voucher complaint number at the city hall water supply bureau frequent complaint department appointment desk

13. your eyeglasses spawn a virulent mind-shrinking microbe

14. your supervisor's boss's kid's name isn’t even close to pronounce-ability

15. start another how to harsh a mellow list

The NUSA Alphabet Code

2009-07-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

In the New United States of America, known as NUSA, everything will be sparkier, punchier and downright snappy - even the new alphabet code:

A as in Andiron
B as in Bee-otch
C as in Chigger
D as in Donkey Dick
E as in Ewe
F as in Fruitcake
G as in Gangrene
H as in Hurl
I as in Infanticide
J as in Jews for Jesus
K as in Kleptomaniac
L as in Lush
M as in Mealy-mouthed bastard
N as in Nancy Boy
O as in Orifice
P as in Phlegm
Q as in Queer
R as in Ratshit
S as in Supposably
T as in Tufted Titmouse
U as in Underpants
V as in Vulva
W as in What-ever
X as in Xanthum Gum
Y as in Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker
Z as in Zamboni

Stuff We Do Not Need To Know

2009-07-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

Stuff We Do Not Need To Know

1. what, exactly, is buttermilk
2. how many square miles is our greater galaxy
3. the decision-making process that lead me to this particular juncture in life
4. why men have nipples or are even considered mammals
5. why bleu fromage is expensive and revolting
6. Paul's letter to the Corinthians or any other fucking yahoos
7. jon's sneakers
8. the new math
9. why she left you
10. how the internet works
11. the best way to clean your ass

NUSA Department of Cultural Transmutation

2009-06-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

In The
New United States of America,
everything will be different:

Kefir is the new cottage cheese.
Rome, Georgia is the new Paris, Francis.
Light is the new dark.
Dairy farms are the new credit default swaps.
Canada is the new Mexico.
Blasphemy is the new hegemony.
71is the new 69.
Polygamy is the new bigamy.
Woodchucks are the new beavers.
Gary is the new Indiana.
Fruxus is the new fraxis.
Two in the bush is the new bird-in-the-hand.
Obama is the new Elvis.
Dogshit is the new bullshit.
Grass-fed tofu is the new beef.
Cocksucker is the new mutherfucker.