UtterStuff

1. have a guilty attorney as a pro bono client

2. drop your car keys in the port-o-let

3. live in a country run by a dick in a bush

4. find out your beloved has eaten the entire bag of special cookies you’ve been saving for your birthday breakfast

5. a cookie fart

6. getting roped into moving a piano by a neighbor who can only play Methodist hymns

7. after circling the airport for an hour, the FAA reroutes you to Murfreesboro

8. being caned in singapore for rude comportment flagrantly exhibited before significant brave government leaders

9. all of a sudden, without any advance warning whatsoever, there really is a god

10. you have to write an uplifting national anthem for one of the breakway territories in the Pakistan-Afghanistan border region

11. discover adorable little pluto isn’t a real planet -- after all that

12. lose your water payment receipt voucher complaint number at the city hall water supply bureau frequent complaint department appointment desk

13. your eyeglasses spawn a virulent mind-shrinking microbe

14. your supervisor's boss's kid's name isn’t even close to pronounce-ability

15. start another how to harsh a mellow list

In the New United States of America, known as NUSA, everything will be sparkier, punchier and downright snappy - even the new alphabet code:

A as in Andiron
B as in Bee-otch
C as in Chigger
D as in Donkey Dick
E as in Ewe
F as in Fruitcake
G as in Gangrene
H as in Hurl
I as in Infanticide
J as in Jews for Jesus
K as in Kleptomaniac
L as in Lush
M as in Mealy-mouthed bastard
N as in Nancy Boy
O as in Orifice
P as in Phlegm
Q as in Queer
R as in Ratshit
S as in Supposably
T as in Tufted Titmouse
U as in Underpants
V as in Vulva
W as in What-ever
X as in Xanthum Gum
Y as in Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker
Z as in Zamboni

Stuff We Do Not Need To Know

1. what, exactly, is buttermilk
2. how many square miles is our greater galaxy
3. the decision-making process that lead me to this particular juncture in life
4. why men have nipples or are even considered mammals
5. why bleu fromage is expensive and revolting
6. Paul's letter to the Corinthians or any other fucking yahoos
7. jon's sneakers
8. the new math
9. why she left you
10. how the internet works
11. the best way to clean your ass

• Kefir is the new cottage cheese.
  
• Rome, Georgia is the new Paris, Francis.
• Light is the new dark.
  
• Dairy farms are the new credit default swaps.
  
• Canada is the new Mexico.
• Blasphemy is the new hegemony.
  
• 71is the new 69.
• Polygamy is the new bigamy.
  
• Woodchucks are the new beavers.
• Gary is the new Indiana.
  
• Fruxus is the new fraxis.
  
• Two in the bush is the new bird-in-the-hand.
  
• Obama is the new Elvis.
• Dogshit is the new bullshit.
  
• Grass-fed tofu is the new beef.
  
• Cocksucker is the new mutherfucker.